Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
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