tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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