I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
