I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
This is classic penis vs brain.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
