Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
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