Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
