I want to walk on stilts...naked
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
