I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
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