I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
My penis needs a shock collar
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
