The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
