I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
