you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Randomize
