I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
