Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
