thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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