plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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