Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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