Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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