I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
