Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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