So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
