Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
