My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
