Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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