He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
