I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
