He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
