my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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