my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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