You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
