dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
