so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
i think i just lost a toe
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
