and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
