I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
