she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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