yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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