they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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