ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
