So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
