Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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