i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
