If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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