My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
