I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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