I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
