I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
