dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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