I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
