I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I met the friendliest cop last night
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
