hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
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