I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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