You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
