I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
